Sheila D. Boynton, LSW, MDiv, CTCP, CAMS-I
Hello Soul Family,
I see it all the time—people come to therapy because they want change, but when they start doing the hard work, they hit a wall. That moment when everything feels worse before it gets better. That moment when they wonder if it’s even worth it. That’s when appointments are rescheduled or cancelled (until a later time). I know change is a powerful force. It disrupts our comfort zones and challenges us to let go of what we know, even if what we know does not serve us. As human beings, we all want to feel safe. Even the familiarity of old unhealthy patterns can even feel safe. Being asked to step into something new brings uncertainty, and that uncertainty can trigger our fear.
Why Does Change Feel So Hard?
Change isn’t just about learning new habits, it’s about unlearning old ones. It’s about rewiring thoughts, healing pain, and letting go of what no longer serves us. And that can be uncomfortable. Think of it like physical therapy. Imagine you’ve had a knee injury for years, and one day, you finally decide to fix it. You go to physical therapy, expecting relief. But at first it hurts even more. Muscles you haven’t used in years start aching. You question if it’s working. But if you stick with it, those same muscles grow stronger, and one day, you wake up without pain. The same is true for emotional healing. At first, confronting your fears, setting boundaries, or changing old patterns might feel worse than staying the same. But this is temporary. this is the pain before the healing.
How Does Change Actually Happen?
Real change is about first changing how we see the world, ourselves, and others. And that shift is uncomfortable. Here are a few ways true change takes place—and why it feels hard at first:
1.Change happens when we accept people for who they are—not who we want them to be. Have you ever wished someone would finally act the way you need them to? Maybe a parent, partner, or friend? The hard truth is, we cannot change others, we can only change how we respond to them. At first, this realization hurts. It means letting go of expectations, grieving what could have been, and finding peace with what is (radical acceptance). But once you do, you gain freedom. You stop waiting for others to change, and you start choosing what’s best for you.
2.Change happens when we stop running from pain and start facing it. Many of us avoid dealing with painful emotions. We distract ourselves, stay busy, or numb out. But unhealed pain doesn’t just disappear, it lingers beneath the surface, shaping our thoughts and behaviors. The moment we stop running and sit with our pain, something powerful happens: it begins to lose its grip on us. Yes, it may feel overwhelming at first, but with time, what once felt unbearable becomes something you can hold with compassion.
3.Change happens when we let go of who we were to become who we want to be. Maybe you’re holding onto an old identity ”the people pleaser,” “the strong one,” “the one who never asks for help.” But sometimes, holding onto who we were keeps us from becoming who we need to be. At first, letting go of old roles feel like losing a part of yourself. But in reality, you’re making space for something new, something healthier, more aligned, and true to who you really are.
As I often share with my clients, you’re stronger than you think. Yes, there will be ups and downs, but every challenge you overcome builds resilience. If you’re struggling, remember: this pain is not permanent. It’s part of your transformation. Don’t give up! Keep going, you are becoming the best version of yourself.
JOURNAL PROMPTS
1.What is one change I know I need to make but have been avoiding?
2.Think of someone in your life you wish would change. What would accepting them as they are look like?
3.What is one small way I have already changed for the better?
THE SOUL’S CORNER…
- Letter to My Daughter by Maya Angelou.
- Why You Really Shouldn’t Expect ‘Closure’ After a Relationship Ends, by Jenna Ryu, in SELF.
- Nedra Tawwab’s You Need To Hear This – Episode 4: Don’t Suffer for the Sake of Peace https://youtu.be/CwqetCCubwo?si=VUBiD_CJbWPsuhXn
