Hey Soul Family,
Let’s be honest – in today’s world, it’s easy to assume everything is about us. Someone takes longer than usual to respond to a text. It feels personal. Someone says they need space. It can feel like rejection. A boundary gets set. It might land like criticism. And before you even realize it, you’re in your head asking, “Okay… what did I do wrong?”
I see this all the time in therapy. But it’s not always about us.
A lot of us learned early on that it was our job to manage relationships. We learned to read the room, adjust our tone, expect reactions, and smooth things over. We became good at monitoring other people’s emotions. So, when someone pulls back or sets a limit, our nervous system automatically goes to, “This must be about me.” And just like that, we tie their behavior to our worth.
But here’s the reframe I often offer:
Boundaries are not rejection – they’re self-agency.
When someone says, “I need space,” or “I can’t do that,” or they are silent because they have something else going on in their lives, we internalize it. What I’ve found after further exploration is that it’s usually not about pushing you away. It’s about them taking care of their own emotional capacity. I spend a considerable amount of time helping clients to learn to honor their limits or capacity. AND learning to consider others is also learning to honor their limits or capacity. Emotionally healthy people don’t avoid boundaries – they use them to stay well.
And sometimes relationships feel strained not because someone is wrong, but because people are evolving. Needs change. Capacity shifts. Awareness grows. That doesn’t automatically mean someone failed. It means a shift is happening, not that something is wrong with you or the relationship.
Now, when a relationship isn’t going well, of course you’re going to question yourself. That’s human. You might replay conversations, analyze tone, or try to pinpoint the exact moment things shifted. Hurt is real. Confusion is real. I never dismiss that.
But here’s what I gently remind clients: healthy relationships don’t require you to constantly overanalyze yourself just to keep the connection intact. Relationships make room for two separate individuals with two different perspectives – not one person doing all the emotional adjusting.
Healthy relationships sound like:
“I care about you, but I need some time.”
“I’m overwhelmed right now, can we revisit this later?”
“Here’s what I can give – and here’s what I can’t.”
That’s not disconnecting. That’s emotional maturity.
And the more you can separate someone else’s boundaries from your sense of worth, the more grounded and secure you start to feel. You can still have feelings. You can still want clarity. But you don’t have to automatically assume you’re the problem.
Until Next Time…
Before you move on, take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. Notice what you may be carrying that was never yours to hold. You don’t have to overanalyze every interaction, fix every relationship, or make everything make sense right away. Sometimes it’s not about you. And learning that is very freeing.
Journal Prompts for Reflection:
- Think about the relationships in your life where you feel most seen and heard. What do those people do that makes you feel valued or safe?
- If you could set one small boundary that would help you stay true to yourself and stay connected to someone you care about, what might that look like?
THE SOUL’S CORNER…
- ‘Weaponized Incompetence’ Can Harm Relationships. Here’s How to Counter It, by Jelena Kecmanovic, in The Washington Post.
- What Compromise Actually Looks Like in a Relationship, by Mark Travers, Ph.D. in Psychology Today.
Thanks for reading The Soul’s Newsletter!
