Sheila D. Boynton, LCSW, MDiv, CTCP, CAMS-I
Let’s talk about change!
We all say we want it. As a therapist, I hear it every day. We want healthier relationships, more peace, financial stability, emotional healing, stronger boundaries, and a life that feels more fulfilling. We want to stop overthinking, stop people-pleasing, stop repeating unhealthy patterns, and stop allowing fear to make decisions for us. But here’s a question worth sitting with: Do you really want change, or do you just want your circumstances to change without having to change your behavior?
Ouch! I know that one might sting a little. The truth is, change sounds wonderful until it requires something of us. Until we have to make an uncomfortable decision, have a difficult conversation, establish a boundary, let go of something familiar, or take responsibility for the ways we may be contributing to our own demise. If we’re really honest, sometimes we want the outcome of change without experiencing the discomfort of the process. Or putting it another way – we want the rewards of hard labor without the work! And listen, that’s human!
Our brains are wired to appreciate familiarity. Even when our current circumstances are uncomfortable, they can feel safer than stepping into the unknown. We may complain about where we are while simultaneously resisting the very actions that could help us move forward. But what if the change you’re waiting for is waiting on you? What if you don’t need another sign, another year, another disappointment, or another person to change first? What if it’s time to start behaving yourself into change?
Let’s explore ways to begin.
First, get honest about where you are. You cannot change what you refuse to acknowledge. Before we can move forward, we have to be willing to take an honest look at where we are right now. Not where we wish we were. Not where we thought we would be by this age or stage of life. And certainly not where we pretend to be so that others will think we’re doing just fine. Where are you REALLY? Have you become comfortable with being uncomfortable? “You cannot keep doing what you’ve always done and expect to become someone you’ve never been.”
Secondly, let’s talk about the people around you. Who’s in your crew? Who celebrates your growth, encourages your healing, respects your boundaries, and lovingly challenges you when you’re getting in your own way? Oh, and who benefits from you staying exactly as you are?Now, before you start deleting contacts and blocking everybody, hear me out! This isn’t about labeling people as good or bad. It’s about recognizing that relationships influence our choices, behaviors, and beliefs about what’s possible. Sometimes we surround ourselves with people who are comfortable with our dysfunction because our changing would require them to adjust, too. Just think about it. Change and growth doesn’t always mean leaving people behind. Sometimes it means changing how you take part in those relationships.
Lastly, you have to MOVE! Take the first step. You don’t have to see the entire staircase to take the next step. We can spend months, sometimes years, talking about what needs to change. We analyze it, pray about it, journal about it, discuss it in therapy, and tell our friends about it. But eventually, we have to MOVE. And here’s the thing: You don’t have to feel completely ready to begin.
We often convince ourselves that we’ll make changes when we’re more confident, when the timing is right, when someone else changes, or when life settles down. But what happens when those conditions never come? We stay stuck, waiting for circumstances to give us permission to live differently. Change doesn’t always require a dramatic life overhaul. The first step begins with one small, intentional decision. Make the appointment. Have the conversation. Say ‘no’ without writing a five-paragraph explanation. Create the budget. Ask for help. End the cycle of self-neglect. Choose not to respond the way you normally would. Small actions matter.
From a therapeutic perspective, our behaviors can influence our thoughts, emotions, and confidence. When we begin practicing healthier behaviors consistently, we create opportunities to experience ourselves differently. In other words, sometimes we have to act our way into a new way of thinking rather than waiting to think our way into a new way of acting.
Soul Reflection:
- What is one change I’ve been talking about but haven’t acted on?
- What am I waiting for before I give myself permission to move?
- What small action can I take this week that aligns with the life I say I want?
- If fear were no longer making my decisions, what would I do differently?
THE SOUL CHALLENGE: DON’T JUST TALK ABOUT IT—BE ABOUT IT!
THE SOUL’S CORNER…
- Are You Coping with a Problem, or Just Passively Tolerating It?, by Antonieta Contreras in Psychology Today.
- As a Recovering People Pleaser, Here’s How I’m Breaking the Cycle With My Daughter, by Julia Poulter in The Everymom.
Until the next time…
BEHAVE YOURSELF INTO CHANGE!
