Hello Soul Family,
One of the most difficult realities of life is recognizing that relationships are not meant to stay the same forever. We often enter relationships unconsciously hoping they’ll remain exactly as they are in the beginning – comfortable, exciting, fun, loving, validating, and full of possibility. Or we connect to the “potential” of who they will become or who we will become in the relationship. Yet if there’s one thing life guarantees- CHANGE. We change. The people we love change. Our priorities change. Our bodies change. Our resources are changing. Our values deepen. Our experiences reshape who we are overtime. And the question isn’t whether relationships will change. The question is whether we have the capacity to change and grow alongside the relationship.
As a therapist, I’ve had countless conversations with people grieving the loss of the relationships they believed would last forever. Some ended through conflict or betrayal. Others simply faded because life can move us in different directions. I’ve found what often hurts the most isn’t just the ending or shift but realizing that no one prepared us for the possibility that healthy people can outgrow one another, or that a relationship can fulfill its purpose without lasting a lifetime.
Many of us have heard it said that God places people in our lives for reasons, seasons or a lifetime. And yet many of our challenges arise because we put seasonal people in lifetime positions. Perhaps that’s because we don’t spend enough time thinking about the future when we begin relationships. We naturally focus on how someone makes us feel today. Or the focus is on the wedding day and not the marriage – 2 years, 5 years, or 10 years from the wedding day. Or perhaps they’re fun to be around. Conversation is easy. There’s chemistry, laughter, shared interests, or the comfort of familiarity. While these things really matter, they are not necessarily indicators of whether the relationship can withstand the seasons that will inevitably come. Life happens for us all.
The relationships that endure usually have something deeper than shared interests. They have shared values. They have emotional maturity. They have the ability to navigate disappointment, conflict, grief, success, transitions, forgiveness, acceptance and change. They make room for honest conversations. They allow both people to continue growing without demanding they remain who they once were.
Sometimes the better question isn’t, “Do I enjoy being with this person?” but rather, “Who am I becoming because of this relationship?” That’s a very different question.
Does the relationship encourage you to be the person you’re intended to grow into, or does it keep pulling you back toward old versions of yourself? Does it create space for honesty, accountability, healing, and mutual respect? Can you imagine navigating life’s inevitable changes together, not because life will always be easy, but because you’ve built something sturdy enough to weather difficult seasons?
Life has a way of revealing what we couldn’t see in the beginning. Marriage changes people. Parenthood changes people. Career shifts, illness, grief, recovery, spiritual growth, retirement, and unexpected loss all shape who we become. The person sitting across from you today won’t be exactly the same ten years from now and guess what – neither will you. Healthy relationships recognize reality and make room for it.
This doesn’t mean every relationship is supposed to last forever.
In fact, some relationships enter our lives for reasons we’ll only understand much later. Some teach us how to trust. Others teach us boundaries. Some reveal our unresolved wounds, while others remind us what healthy love actually feels like. Instead of viewing every ending as a failure or change as something terrible, let’s begin asking different questions.
What did this relationship teach me? How did I grow? What strengths did I discover? What patterns do I no longer want to repeat?
As you reflect on your own relationships, perhaps the invitation isn’t to ask whether every relationship will last forever. Instead, ask whether it is helping you become the person God is calling you to be. Ask whether it has the flexibility, humility, and shared commitment to grow through life’s changing seasons.
Remember, lasting relationships aren’t defined by the absence of change. Perhaps they’re defined by two people who continue choosing to grow both individually and together. I’ve lived long enough personally and professionally to know some of the most meaningful relationships aren’t the ones that stay with us forever, but the ones that leave us forever changed.
JOURNAL PROMPTS
- Are my current relationships aligned with the person I’m becoming, or are they rooted in who I used to be?
- If I met the people closest to me for the first time today, knowing what I now know about myself, would I intentionally build these same relationships again? Why or why not?
THE SOUL’S CORNER…
- Neuroscience of Beauty Standards & Black Women’s Mental Health | Therapy for Black Girls | EP 469; Watch this powerful interview with psychologist and author Dr.Allycin Powell-Hicks who unpacks the psychology of beauty, body image, and why so many of us are chasing standards that were never meant to set us free. https://youtu.be/uN9DMf99HG4?si=ZbO8lm5VKfnIwo7p
- How to Recharge Your Social Battery, According to Therapists, by Jenna Ryu, in SELF.
- How to Set Boundaries (When It Doesn’t Come Naturally), by Jancee Dunn, in The New York Times.
Thanks for reading The Soul’s Newsletter!
