One of the greatest challenges I notice with clients and sometimes within myself, is expecting other people to think like we think, love like we love, communicate like we communicate, or show up the way we would. We say stuff like: “I would never do that to them.” “I would have called.” “I would have been there.” “I would never treat them that way.”
But here’s the difficult truth:
We have to stop expecting ourselves from other people. People can only show up from their own level of emotional capacity, self-awareness, healing, values, and willingness to grow.
There’s a song “Stranger in My House” by Tamia that helps me with this conversation. The song lyrics initially focus on the partner seeming like the stranger, but then comes the pop quiz: “…Or could it be that the stranger is me? Have I changed so drastically? Is it I want more for me? And you remain the same…” (Listen to the song…)
Sometimes someone feels different because we are different. You’ve healed. You’ve grown. You’ve developed boundaries. You want more from your relationships. What you once tolerated no longer feels acceptable. Meanwhile, the other person may be exactly who they’ve always been.
We aren’t grieving the person, we’re grieving who they used to be, who we hoped they would become, or the relationship we wish we could have.
Okay, but what do you actually do when you realize someone isn’t who you thought they were, or simply cannot give you what you keep expecting from them? And unlike what many present on social media, you don’t necessarily have to end the relationship. What you may need is to change the relationship through:
ACCEPTANCE. ADJUSTMENT. & ADAPTATION.
ACCEPTANCE: Believe what you’re seeing. Acceptance is acknowledging who the other person is right now, instead of the old version of who they used to be, who you hope they’ll become or who you think they should be. Acceptance doesn’t mean approval. It’s saying, “I see what this really is.”
Ask yourself: What has this person consistently shown me that I keep hoping will be different?
ADJUSTMENT: Change your expectations. Once you accept the reality of what is and what you’re seeing, you can adjust your expectations. Not adjusting your expectations lead to disappointment and hurt. Adjustment means I stop asking you to give me something you have repeatedly shown me you don’t know how or aren’t willing to give.
Ask yourself: What expectation am I holding onto that keeps leaving me disappointed?
ADAPTATION: Now, this is the part you can control – YOU. Decide how you will relate differently. Adaptation means deciding how to show up in the relationship based on what you now know. It’s not about punishing the other person or cutting them off. It’s about learning how to stay connected, when appropriate, without repeatedly hurting yourself by making the relationship be something it isn’t.
Ask yourself: Given who this person has shown me they are, what needs to change about the way I participate in this relationship?
Take this with you:
Acceptance: I see you for who you are.
Adjustment: I will stop expecting you to be me.
Adaptation: I will decide how to relate to you without losing myself.
THE SOUL’S CORNER…
- Why We Fear Getting What We Want, on the Myleik Substack.
- Uncertainty Requires Connection, by Alex Snider in Psychology Today.
- How to Complain Better and Strengthen Relationships, According to Experts, by Joshua Coleman in The Washington Post
Until the next time…
Healing. Growth. Transformation.
